first blog post is on kids growing up

Co-teacher in a puddle.

My old blog has been too personal to be public on the internet for years. I pulled it off when I realized that perhaps having all of my struggles out for strangers and future employers to explore wasn't a wise idea. The internet has changed a lot since I started blogging in the early 2000s.

My first blog was in 2004 on MSN Space, back when Facebook was obscure. I feel like it predated MySpace for most of us too. It was the first place where I wrote my little heart out on the internet and friends responded with comments. The audience was tiny, but it encouraged me to create and started a habit I've slipped in and out ever since.

My longest running blog is one I still reach for when I've got heat pangs and big feelings. I started in on December 30, 2009 and titled it, "Run Away Mägi May." Over 1,300 posts. When I need to cope, I write there. Words flow especially and the world feels upside down. I used to feel like the world needed to be a part of that process. All of my mental health journey was explored and published for anyone to read. Good golly. What a concept.

I now feel a lot more protective of my privacy. I don't want everyone to know my business, but I still have thoughts I want to share. This blog is a place for me put those thoughts.

What got my heart going today was finding a few old binders from the Camp Roots days. I worked with Camp Roots from it's early days in 2015 or 2016. Camp Roots was bliss. I spent hours most days running around with a posse of kiddos. It was pure magic.

What tugs on my heart is not having any connections to those kids. I have worked with hundreds and hundreds of kids. I long to build relationships with kids and then be a part of their lives as they grow older. I want to watch them grow up. I want to see who they become. I want to watch their little baby faces turn into big kid faces turn into teenagers and the graduate college.

I have next to zero contact with those kiddos, beyond a Facebook friendship with the founder. Beyond that, I haven't talked to any of the Camp Roots kiddos since my last summer camp in 2018. I wish I knew how they were doing and what they were up to. I wish I could print out the magical photos I have of them and put them in the mail for them to put in their memories box.

Moving around made my world bigger, introduced me to so many incredible people, but it also kept me from being able to maintain lifelong relationships with families. The exception is Lopez Island, to a small degree, and Haines, Alaska, to a great degree. I am grateful for all the families who I've had the joy of staying in contact with. Watching the tiny babies turn into teens is a trip, and makes my heart soar.

My friends are now having babies, and none of them live close to me, and that's a whole other level of heart break. I wish we could all be closer, that we could be each other's village.